classic HSC post

HSC results are out and I have to say I am still in a disappointed state. I had two goals for the HSC and I reached neither. Though the marks themselves are quite good I've been struggling to deal with not achieving what I wanted to but also to be thankful for the marks God has given me.

Hopefully I can reflect a few weeks later and say that God has taught me something from this. 

On another note, I'm very thankful I have BASICs who understand me and support me by pointing me to God and His plans for me :)

"As a Christian, you're living for God which necessarily means you're not living for yourself or even your own expectations. Whether you live up to your own expectations or not is not the measure of your success" - Helen Ho, 2014

fulfilment

Hello long time no blog...

Since my last post, I have endured the HSC and enjoyed almost a month of bliss...

I also was offered a Finance co-op interview, praise God ^_^ (very exciting seeing as it is very competitive)

Anyhow, today I went to the interview briefing day where all the co-op interviewees were present. I noticed something particularly interesting about both the co-op scholars and the potential scholars.

There was an atmosphere that suggested that they were all searching for fulfilment in their career in finance. Quite heartbreaking actually.

If you don't know, investment banking is a VERY high paying career (6 figure salary first year out) and the desire for this really showed today.

One of the fourth years actually said: "The comfort and security that the money brings is unparalleled." As a Christian, this made me feel...uncomfortable...and also kind of sad because I know that no matter how much money one has - they will not be satisfied and the security and comfort will never be enough. These things come only from the love of Christ.

A potential scholar said he chose finance because he felt it "fulfilled ambition" which suggested a search for fulfilment in career. Also quite sad :(

This was also interesting because it challenged me to think about why I was there. Outwardly, I would never say that I was there to find fulfilment. But if I dig deeper, I really needed to question why I was there.

Along with this topic, I met with an (Christian) investment banker while I was in New York and had a very thought-provoking conversation. Key points were:

• Investment banking is a very greedy place.
• It is not socially responsible
• It often involves gaining money in not very nice ways - how do you come to terms with this as a Christian?
• It is very easy to get pulled into the banking culture and very hard to get out (impossible almost)

These were points to think about and when I discussed this with a friend, he referred me to the parable of the shrewd manager found in Luke 16:1-14

Key points I took from this:

• What one does with little things is indicative of what they do with big things. 
• We must be good steward of our worldly wealth if we expect to be trusted with true riches
• An article he also linked defined true riches as: stewardship and responsibility in God's kingdom and heavenly rewards. 
• I understand true riches to be the reward we receive in heaven when God acknowledges us. 
• We cannot have two masters: God or money
• In v8, Jesus says that unbelievers know more about the world than believers now about the world to come - I definitely agree with this
• In v9 Jesus essentially tells us to use worldly wealth with love to evangelise.
• The article discusses three situations where wealth can be unrighteous
• Using unrighteous means to gain wealth
• Unrighteous ways one desires to use wealth
• Corrupting influence of wealth that may lead to unrighteous acts

Good things to think about if I am to be wealthy in the future.

Also, today a first year was telling us about the ridiculous hard work and hours of an investment banker and how it is likely that personal relationships will have to be sacrificed. This made me consider very seriously the consequences that pursuing this career will have on my ability to please God. How can someone love others deeply as Christ loved us when they are working 9am-midnight days six days a week? Good question ehh....

Well, interview is tomorrow - prayers would be greatly appreciated ^^ 

minimums and maximums

As I was about to start prepping Mod A I was talking to a friend about my struggle street with career paths. This then lead to a discussion about my motivations etc. etc. making me realise that my struggle with my career motivations are actually quite deep and problematic.

lalalala 2 hours, many tears and a discussion with another friend later I came to the conclusion that:

I cannot change my heart - only God can do that

(the discussion was about choosing a lifestyle and living for God in that lifestyle vs. choosing a lifestyle motivated by God)

My conclusion/sort-of-solution to this is:

"Living at the minimum of pleasing God and trusting Him to change me to live at the maximum of solely living for Him"

[thank you to the two aforementioned friends for your support, prayers and rebuke - you know who you are :)]

leadership

Around this time two years ago 10 scrawny little children were preparing to lead ISCF. Now, two day conferences, two camps, 2934823742 meetings and 23423987 ISCFs later we are leaving. Feeeeeels.
Today was our ISCF Farewell (surreal right?!) so I thought it'd be appropriate to write a blog post about what I learnt over the past two years or so. This is also my first public post so hello if you haven't been here before yaay welcome to blog woooo *confetti*

I have many thoughts on this and I just wrote a 1000+ word draft but I lost it when I exited the app so this might be a bit more structured. Will also include shoutouts and regrets and the sort. 

Just a general note:
Leading ISCF for the past two years has been the most draining experience of my life. But it was probably also one of the hugest privileges of my life - being able to serve God in my school on, not only a weekly, but a daily basis. I am so blessed to have been given the opportunity to lead with such an amazing group of people and to serve alongside some of the humblest, godliest people that I've met. 

Anyhow, continuing....

1. Practical stuff
I remember when I first started leading studies. Oh my. That was great. As someone who was naturally confident, I had no qualms saying something during Bible the study. Little did I know, what you said was only part of it. Luckily, I had older leaders who coached me on the basics down to where in the group I sat and I have continued to pass these skills down to younger leaders. (Shoutout to Man Lok Wong). Of course there were also the other things we learnt like how to lead a study...how to write a study...how to control 100 teenagers...

2. The amazingness of the Bible
As I started to write studies, I became more and more interested and drawn in by the amazingness of the Bible. Before I started leading I was never really that interested in theology and kind of just read and applied. I had never considered context or read a passage in detail until I wrote my first study. When I started writing studies it opened my eyes up to how amazing the Bible actually is and how much we can draw out from it. This impacted hugely on my personal Bible reading and I continue to be growing at a much faster rate because of my constant engagement with the Word (hahaha capital Word aka 'logos') with both my heart and my head. 

3. Loving on others
At the beginning of year 11, we also started mentoring. I was allocated two weirdos (jks). At first I was a little concerned as to how this was going to happen. I wasn't really the nurturing mothering type and in my life I hadn't had an older Christian girl to relate to or confide in. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to be a good mentor and that I would screw something up. That fortunately didn't happen mainly because we managed to foster a really strong friendship among the three of us. I've never really been the type to love on people just for the sake of it. While some would bake for their friends just to be nice, it wouldn't really be my thing to do. This worried me because I wanted so much to love these two and I was scared that I wouldn't be able to show it. However, I think throughout these two years God has really taught me what it means to love people. For some reason, I began to love on them just because I wanted to, not because they asked or because someone else told me to. It probably wasn't new to them but it was new to me and it was a huge step for me to look after two young people who weren't related to me. These days they just take my food but that's ok too I guess. Backtracking a bit, the older Christian girls that I HAD talked to seemed to distance themselves from me only ever asking about my spiritual life and seeming to hold a level of "righteousness" that I could never achieve. Because I am a very open person. Most of our mentoring sessions were made up of the three of us talking about our lives INCLUDING our spiritual lives. I think we've grown to be really good friends and I truly consider them to be two of my closest friends. This really taught me the importance of building relationships with those that I am trying to minster to. We talked about other things in our lives rather than just the "Hi. How are your quiet times? How is prayer? What do you think about leading soon?" and this really helped to foster a very solid relationship. When this is developed the spiritual talk will arise. Nowadays the conversation leans towards what we were supposed to be talking about in the first place, leading. If you ask them they might (I think) tell you that I've taught them a lot these two years but I think it's really through them that God has taught me a lot - about what it is to love. (Shoutout to Steph and Crystal I love you guys)

3. Servitude
ISCF took up a lot of my time. Around April 2013, we started functioning on our own and for me the workload was quite overwhelming. Suddenly there were studies to write, lists to make, schedules to create, violin parts to write and 50 gazillion google docs to record it on. Being the multitasking person I am I embraced the business and went on with it. 

The real test, I think, came in when year 12 started and there was an increasingly higher opportunity cost (hahahhaa I love Eco) to be serving in ISCF. There was an HSC to study for now and that really challenged me about where my priorities should lie and what my actions showed about where those priorities were. I think it was largely due to my upbringing that I stayed firm and remembered that God's ministry was the most important work to be done (shoutout to Mum and Dad for always making me serve even when times were tough). I remember one particular time in the lead up to ISCF camp where I finally had a free night to study (YESSS). I studied for an hour and went on a study break on Facebook. Where I was immediately asked to compile a songlist. Normal reaction would be to say no and keep studying but - priorities lay in God's ministry and there went the next three hours (shoutout to you Hosea). It only got harder with year 12 and I am so thankful for the support as I went through this. (Shoutout to the team for helping eachother out when some were more stressed out than others)

4. Not doing it all
Being the person I am, I often find myself taking on a lot more than recommended and I demanded control over a lot of things. God taught me a lot about this these past two years, particularly this last one. First of all, to trust in Him because he has everything under control and secondly to trust my team. I knew I could do the second because I knew that they loved ISCF just as much as I did and would put the effort in. (Shoutout to Matthew Chiu and Jasleen Chew for not letting me do things and making me stop when I overloaded)

I remember one time I think at the beginning of this year, I was really frustrated about something that happened at ISCF and my Mum stopped me and told me: "Please remember that this is not your ISCF it is Jesus' ISCF and if he wants something to happen it'll happen." (shoutout to Mum) This was a great reminder because yes, ISCF takes up A LOT of time and I spent a lot of my time ministering to ISCF forgetting that they weren't my flock. They were only temporarily ours to look after and were, ultimately, God's children, not mine. 

5. Not letting serving take over your life
A particular regret I have with this was at camp this year when I got barely any time to spend with the people there. For the whole four days I was either working or trying to grab some time to rest. When I was talking to people, my mind was preoccupied with the time and with what was happening next and I was continually zoning out and refocusing which was frankly just not nice to the other person. This struck me afterwards when follow-up was extremely difficult because I hadn't developed a strong relationship during the camp. However, while I didn't form close relationships with the kids, I gained some really valuable teaching from the older Christians at camp. (Shoutout to Ryan Yeomans, Jas Lau and James Chen. Two of which also introduced me to caffeine.........)

6. Friendships
Quite recently (I'm talking 5 months ago). God taught me a lot about the importance of building strong relationships within the team. Before this I had thought that we were there to get the job done, not to be best friends 5eva.  Yes, our team was quite a fun one and I really miss our meetings where we would both be productive and have fun. We had a lot of fun together definitely (ahhh full day meeting memories), but we weren't best friends, we very rarely hung out all together by choice and while there were close friendships among us we weren't really that tight as a group. THOUGH we did do a team bonding activity at Christmas which I found quite successful. After working with someone who I just did not work well with and also wasn't really close to, I realised that it is really important to build relationships within a team. (Disclaimer: Edmund Lau is a great guy). Once I started working more closely with someone else, I found that our friendship made the partnership a lot more effective both in the Common Room and on google docs and as a result, Bible studies were a lot more effective - it was better for everyone. However, I have to say that this also had a lot to do with his adaptability but friendship helped too. (Shoutout to Clement Ngai)

7. It's all about God
Serving God is all about God. Funny huh? Never would've thought. All jokes aside, I think this fact is easy to get lost when in ministry. Maybe just for me, maybe for everyone. In the midst of all the files, meetings, spreadsheets and thoughts, it's very easy to lose track of why we do this. Luckily for me, God reminded me that it was all about Him on a weekly basis. When I was leading studies, there would be moments when the kids' faces would light up and you knew they just understood something and the lightbulb moment had arrived. Not any old lightbulb moment, they just learnt something about God. There were moments when I was leading where I saw them in awe of God's Word and just hungering for more and more. I remember particularly, moments at camp this year in session when everyone was focused on the song or the talk. These moments remind me that with the millions of documents and spreadsheets, it all ultimately came down to God, His name and His glory. And when I saw the kids understanding and encountering God, all the exhaustion and stress was so worth it, because He was bringing His children closer and He used me! Some random. 

There's a lot more to say but I'll end it here with a few last words

To the NSGB ISCF Leadership Team 2013-14: Thank you for the past year and for putting up with my quick temper. Each of you have taught me something valuable even if I haven't mentioned it in this post. Thank you for all the friendships we built these past two year and for all the memories we made together, they will stay close to my heart for a long time. Being completely dead after 6 hours of talking, waiting for the slow pizza man, imitating Clement, KK presents and so many more I can't remember right now. I was a huge pleasure serving with you all and I wouldn't have wanted to spend the last two years with any other people. Thank you for being motivated, determined, innovative and hilarious all at the same time :)

To NSGB ISCF: I probably told you today at farewell but thank you for coming to ISCF every week. It has been a huge encouragement to see all your faces and to watch you grow in your love for Christ (and in height). It has been a joy to see all of you interested and awed by God's Word and I pray that all of you will grow to be amazing and faithful men and women of God. I will miss you all a lot. 

To the NSGB ISCF leaders of the past: Thank you for all your prayers and everything you have done to shape ISCF into what it is now. Without you, there would be no ISCF and no matter how big or small ISCF was when you were leading, your legacy has lived on. Thank you especially, to those leaders who led me. The things you taught me have shaped so much of who I am today and I am so grateful that God gave me such amazing people to teach it to me. Never doubt the impact you had in your short two years. I am so honoured to be associated with you as NSGB ISCF. 

To the NSGB ISCF leaders of the future: I'm sure you guys will be fantastic. I pray that God will teach you as much as he taught me as you spend two years leading an incredible group of high schoolers and that you will continue to grow them to become spectacular men and women of God. Never doubt your impact on the people you are leading and the legacy you will probably leave. All the best - you are so privileged to have this opportunity. 

and thank you to you who actually read this whole post. 

This is me, signing out.

music - the lingua franca of angels

Time to share my thoughts on music.

Music has always been an integral part of my life. My Dad is a piano teacher and my Mum runs a music school. Naturally, I grew up with music all around me. Dad taught at home at first and eventually I ended up spending long days at the music school listening to the sounds around me. I could probably sing most songs from Preliminary to 8th grade of Series 15 AMEB. That's how often I was there.

I started music when I was 18 months old dancing to something I think and officially started piano at around 3 and 9 months or something. I kept officially learning until I was 15 and I started being an accompanist in church activities when I was around 10. I have to say that throughout these years, I had a tumultuous love-hate relationship with music. At times, I would love the freedom it provided me to express myself and have gun and at other times, I would hate the restrictions and regulations it put on me and my life. I wasn't horrible at it, I just lacked the discipline to practise an hour a day. This took its toll in Year 10, when I was set on passing my Associate Diploma of Music (AMus). Let's just say this attempt resulted in a lot of tears and a lot of yelling and not many happy moments.

During these months, I couldn't really figure out what it was that made me dislike practising and music so much. I didn't hate music, I could happily jam at a piano or guitar for hours, I enjoyed being an accompanist. In hindsight, I realised that it wasn't music that I hated. It was the endless hours of perfecting a piece technically and stylistically to impress a listener. While some find this process rewarding and amazing, I found it futile. For me, music was something to enjoy, whether listening or playing. To me, a Chopin Nocturne didn't need to be stylistically and technically correct, as long as it sounded nice to me and I was having a ball playing it. Of course when it is stylistically and technically correct it naturally sound nicer, but this didn't really matter to me.

While growing up, my parents always reminded me of the reason they wanted me to learn piano. No, they didn't want me to be Lang Lang. They wanted me to use my skills to serve God. And so I did, diligently playing the strings on a keyboard for choir in a music ministry before graduating to the grand piano when I was around 13 or so. At this point, the more I practised, I became better at improvising on chords to the style of the song and what the choir wanted.


Tonight, I heard my Dad playing the piano to some Chinese Christian song and went out to join him. He asked me to play for him so he could sing. We sat and played and sung, the two of us with Mum joining in every now and again and Timmy dancing around in the background. This is what I think music should be like. I don't think it should be about perfect sequences and flawless performances. Music should be an enjoyment for those around you, something you can feel comfortable playing, where one mistake isn't the end of the world.

Music was created to worship God.

(lingua franca means 'common language by the way)

Have you ever realised how important music is in worship to God? I heard from a non-Christian friend once that she enjoyed the music at Christian events the best because it was although the whole hall was singing with one voice. That is the case. We are all singing with one voice to one God. How often do we do this? We can pray in unison but how weird is that. When there is music, we sing, in unison, as a people.

For me, music is a crucial part of worship, in a meeting/session/event. Isn't it amazing how music can be manipulated? Sound waves can be organised to be pleasing to listen to. God created chords, scales, keys, melodies, harmonies, different textures. And we can organise these to be nice sounding. Isn't that amazing?! Nice chords and lyrics create nice songs. Songs we sing to praise God.

When the right atmosphere is created, this helps SO SO MUCH in how someone worships. Do you remember a time when you're singing with all your heart and the whole room is singing to God from their hearts, completely awed by Him? I think I really experienced this at Hillsong, when I went. Not that music needs to be corporately produced and amplified well for people worship well, don't get me wrong. What I'm saying is that music creates an atmosphere for people to get pumped up for God and helps them to connect to God on a personal level through song. Music evokes emotion, whether people are singing along or if they're listening. This is why the actual sound of music is so important. The different layers: rhythm, bass, melody, harmony, what voices you use, what each voice sings, what each instrument plays and ultimately, the balance of it all. Change one, and the feel of the song changes and so does the atmosphere of worship for everyone in the crowd: the voices that sing out to our God.

I am so blessed to have been able to serve in music ministry for so long. To have countless mentors that have taught me not only what works best musically but also what my attitude should be towards worship. I am so blessed that God has given me so many opportunities to serve Him in music. I am so blessed that He has given me opportunities to lead teams of my own and pass down wisdom to other brothers and sisters. I pray that in the future, I will have more opportunities to lead teams and create arrangements and contribute to the worship of those listening.

I have so much to say, so much vision for this. But I'll stop now.

"Sing to God, sing praises to his name; 

lift up a song to him who rides through the deserts;

his name is the Lord;

exult before him!"

Psalm 68:4

trials.

Hello.

I actually finished trials exactly a week ago but I have been so indulged in post trials bliss that I haven't written a post about it.

Honestly, there was nothing dramatic or amazing about trials. I didn't have a sudden epiphany or suddenly remember Jesus' love for me. But maybe this is something in itself. Being the person I am, people often assume that I am crazy about marks and school. This is true to an extent, but this year, not only during trials, God has really answered my prayers and given me peace over this. I expected trials to be super stressful, I expected myself to break down and cry every night but by God's grace, this didn't happen. In the lead up to trials and throughout the year, I had been praying for God to take my heart so that everything I did was for Him, to take my heart away from the pointless studying. And He did!

The night before paper 1, I was stressed out, but after that it was ok. Throughout trials, I really began to have God as my 'study buddy' I suppose. Just talking to Him while I was studying, during the exam, before the exam. I prayed that in everything, my only goal would be to glorify Him, no matter what mark came out on the other end. Now as I get marks back, I think God really answered my prayers. Before, marks would be the determinant of my day, my mood, my life. Now, good marks and bad marks, I know it doesn't matter, the glory is all God's. I've learned to be thankful, no matter what number appears on a page. I'm really thankful that I went through trials relatively stress-free.

Something else I learnt during trials is that major exams should not stop me from being a servant of God. Often, things go on in life and we forget that we are first and foremost, servants of God. Whether its during trials, after trials, during HSC, after HSC, immense suffering, our biggest role is as His servant and our biggest job is telling other about Jesus. Exams are never an excuse.

I am so thankful for all the brothers and sisters that were praying for me during trials - thanks guys!

Also, the post-trials rest has been really great :P

RICE Rally is tomorrow also ^_^

Oh and I finished Isaiah and looking back, I'm really amazed by the literary quality of the Bible - all those extended metaphors ooooo

This verse reminded me of what is to come, something much better - relates to the sermon at church last Sunday which was about living life remembering that Jesus is returning

"See I will create a new heavens and a new earth.

The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind.

But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create, 

for I will create a Jerusalem to be a delight and its people a joy.

I will rejoice over Jerusalem and take delight in my people;

the sound of weeping and crying

will be heard in it no more."

Isaiah 65:17-20

(new post coming soon after Rally to do with evangelism)

importance

Today I started stressing for trials........weird because I don't really stress. I suppose it's because I was so focused on the outcomes of what would happen, thinking I had everything under control.

I think in the midst of stress, God humbles me to let me know (again) that I can't do anything by myself. Every time I feel like I'm on top of things and in total control, God humbles me by throwing me into stress and anxiety. He reminded me, through worship music (Anchor), that my hope is in HIM and that that is my anchor, it holds me in place and I think that really comforted me at the time when I was stressing out a lot.

It also reminded me that when times are hard, I should be running to Him for comfort, not to stress or ice cream. Where success and dreams will fail me, God will always satisfy.

In Isaiah today, I was reading about fasting, which I THINK (don't quote me) is talking about religion and how it shouldn't be about us humbling ourselves to look good but rather about helping others and shining a light for God. It reminded me that my role, first and foremost, was a servant of God regardless of what season of life it is. Trial period? Still a servant of God. I was challenged to not forego being a light for Him and serving His people when it comes at a cost to me and what I find important because ultimately, His name is the most important.

so yes. Trial musings.

"The LORD will guide you always; 

he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

and will strength your frame.

You will be like a well-watered garden,

like a spring whose waters never fall."

- Isaiah 58:11

everything

Our hearts they cry, be glorified. Be lifted high above all names.
For you our King, with everything, we will shout forth your praise.


Everything.


something I thought about listening to this song and writing English scaffolds - everything we do is for Him and for His praise.

worth

My quiet time today was Isaiah 51 and it was really packed so trying to get all my thoughts together....

1. Self-worth
This was really the main idea I took out from here mainly because it's something I've been thinking about recently because of thoughts about the future and stufffs. Basically what God is saying in this passage is that we shouldn't worry about what the world thinks of us and, I suppose, what worth the world puts on us because we have Him! Particularly interesting today...two of my friends reminded me of this before this quiet time. One of them was addressing my "need" to be picked and she just said: "Why do you need people to pick you? You already know your worth." This resonated when I read the Word just then because I guess it reminded me that in ALL contexts (ministry included) I am not defined by how much potential people see in me but rather, I am defined by Christ alone. My other friend was talking to me about scholarships and how co-op was the 'prize' and I expressed that I felt although my whole future was riding on whether or not I got this scholarship. His response was: "Jesus is the real prize, and you already have Him". So that was a great reminder, again, that worth is defined by Christ, not how appropriate someone thinks I am for any particular role.
LOOK LOOOK LOOK

"Hear me, you who know what is right,

you people who have taken my instruction to heart:

Do not fear the reproach of mere mortals

or be terrified by their insults.

For the moth will eat them up like a garment;

the worm will devour them like wool.

But my righteousness will last forever,

my salvation through all generations." 

Isaiah 51:7-8

And again in v12-13

"I, even I, am he who comforts you.

Who are you that you fear mere mortals,

human beings who are but grass,

that you forget the LORD your maker,

who stretches out the heavens

and who lays the foundations of the earth,

that you live in constant terror every day

because of the wrath of the oppressor,

who is bent on destruction?

For where is the wrath of the oppressor?"

Isaiah 51:12-13

2. Everlasting salvation

Sort of relates to the previous point but this was about God's salvation and how it lasts forever. Sounds simple, but its quite profound. It lasts foreeverrrrrrr, even though our world which seems to important will fade away

"Lift up your eyes to the heavens,

look at the earth beneath;

the heavens will vanish like smoke,

the earth will wear out like a garment

and its inhabitants die like flies.

But my salvation will last forever,

my righteousness will never fail"

Isaiah 51:6

3. We are God's people

Has it ever occurred to you that God, the creator of everything, chose you? This God who created EVERYTHING, calls us His people. Wow. 

"I who set the heavens in place, 

who laid the foundations of the earth,

and who say to Zion,

'You are my people'"

Isaiah 51:16b

kbye

The Cross

Many things have happened since my last post including:

• RICE Catalyst
• Trials lockdown (today)
• I found someone to talk to about my struggles since she struggles with the same things
• My study wall made some new friends
• I finished the pages on my QT diary and it's time to start a new one

So RICE Catalyst was more helpful for me on a personal level rather than on an evangelistic level tbh. I guess it reminded me that life is never about me or my achievements but rather, about God and His love for me seen on the cross. Not a new concept but one that needs to be reflected on everyday. What I mean by my wall making new friends is that:

A while ago, I blutak'd "277 Park Avenue" on my wall to motivate me and pinned my todo lists around it. I suppose it signifies that everything revolved around this address, this position. (My wall is a Visual Representation). After Catalyst and my reminder of what life is about: Jesus. I rearranged my wall and put The Cross right in the middle to remind me that it is what my life should be revolving around. Not some address. It's perfectly in my peripheral vision when I study so I'm reminded of it all the time. 

ANALOGY TIME (this is metaphorical)

My wall only has a certain amount of space. I can try to fit everything in my life on it. Sometimes, there's so much on my wall that the cross gets lost in all the papers and photos (relationships) that I stick on my wall. It will get covered up and forgotten as much as I don't want it to. But I know eventually I will see the mass of papers on my wall and ask myself what the purpose is. Then I will slowly take them all off and let them go (ehehhe) and find that the cross was always there, I just covered it up with other things that were more important at the time. 

So yes, my trials lockdown begins today. 10 hour days yeeeeeeeeeeeey

Here is a verse that I read today that reminded me of God's incomparable glory. He was comparing Himself to idols so it reminded me that my idols cannot compare AT ALL. 

"With whom will you compare me or count me equal?

To whom will you liken me that we may be compared?"

- Isaiah 46:5

Dream Homes

277 Park Avenue, New York, NY

That's address of my dream job.

Being the social media conscious person I am, I was going to put that on one of my bios. However, I realised that that isn't where I should dream of being. There is a place much better :)

This verse has nothing to do with the post but I just thought it was really nice.

"But now, this is what the LORD says - 

he who created you, Jacob,

he who formed you, Israel:

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name;

you are mine."

- Isaiah 43:1

Wind and Confusion

So at church today I started talking to someone about Finance Co-op. When I got home I realised how easily I can go from being so excited about the gospel to being so excited and consumed by career opportunities. With Finance Co-op I'll need to get a mid-99 ATAR estimate...yeah so I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed for trials

Wakeup call came in quiet time today which was great

"See they are all false! 

Their deeds amount to nothing; 

their images are but wind and confusion"

- Isaiah 41:29

Referring to the idols of Israel

Our everlasting God

Isaiah 40
So as I was reading this passage I thought the structure was pretty cool.

It sets up God's dominion over nature and then juxtaposes this with Him as our Shepherd, gathering us in His arms and carrying us close to His heart.

On reading verse 12 my thoughts were: The same hands that marked the heavens with its breadth...holds me close to Him :') isn't that amazing?

Passage then establishes God's Sovereignty over everything, how everything we know on Earth cannot compare to Him at all. God is put next to the idols and worldly powers of His people almost saying like: "LOOK HOW MUCH BETTER HE IS. LOOOOOOOOOK!" Lastly, the passage brings it back to our personal relationship with God:

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but hose who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Just a thought

"Our greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at things in life that don’t really matter.” - Francis Chan

Just a thought after a day of two exam handbacks neither of which were very good. 

Decisions

So I'm thinking God doesn't want me to apply for cadetships. Things really aren't working out...

Anyhow, doing my QT and today I was reminded of what is ahead and what to look forward to

"No lion will be there, nor any ravenous beast; they will not be found there. But only the redeemed will walk there, and those the LORD has rescued will return. 

They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them and sorrow and sighing will flee away." Isaiah 35:1-10

And a song I found while Facebook stalking:
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is a revealing of the greater thirst this Earth can't satisfy - Blessing, Laura Story (listen to it)

Reliance

So I just finished applying for a whole lot of cadetships. It was so tiring. Mentally, emotionally. I'm exhausted. It's 10:30pm and I did my quiet times after I was done. I realised that I never really asked God or talked to Him about it before I applied for any of these things. I kinda just prayed for my future.

I was reading Isaiah 33 (read it very recommend) and it talks about God's absolute power and it talks about heaven and how great it will be there. I can't wait to be there, where all my worldly desires will be gone and I will only desire Him and I will be fully satisfied in Him. All the idols that I cling to will be gone and I will throw it away 'like menstrual cloth' (I didn't make that up guys it's in the Bible). I will be perfectly secure and I will only ever need Him.

"Look on Zion, our city of our festivals;

your eyes will see Jerusalem,

a peaceful abode, a tent that will not be moved;

its stakes will never be pulled up,

nor any of its ropes broken.

There the LORD will be our Mighty One."

Isaiah 33:20-21a

Opportunities and Costs

"Woe to those who go down to Egypt for help,

who rely on horses,

who trust in the multitude of their chariots

and in the great strength of their horsemen,

but do not look to the Holy One of Israel,

or seek help from the LORD"

- Isaiah 31:1

When I was a lot younger, my parents taught me about opportunity cost. Not sure why they taught me, but they did. Opportunity cost is defined as: the next best alternative forgone when an economic decision is made. For example, the opportunity cost of writing this blog post is my 4u homework.

The reason I bring this up is because I read the above verse today. I think it means that Egypt and its many horses and chariots represents worldly power, something the world admires and runs to in times of need. A lot of Isaiah talks about idols and I think I know what mine are. A lot of times, I run to my Egypt, success in the world instead of seeking help from God. Sometimes when I need to boost myself, I look to some glories of the past and think: Hey I'm pretty great. But I don't look to God and think: I'm nothing and He is everything.

Tomorrow, Alumni Mentoring Program is on. I was going to go, my Mum told me it'd be great to build connections with ex-NSGs for my future, I thought so too. It'd be great. I started imagining all the people I would meet and what a great impression I would make and how they would help me to go far in the future. It was set for a Wednesday morning but I supposed a one-off skip of ISCF would be fine. But today I suddenly felt like I really wanted to lead at ISCF. I really missed the kids and being able to show them how great God is. I brushed it off. During my quiet times, I prayed that I wouldn't rely on my Egypt. In the middle of this, I realised that was exactly what I was doing. I was relying on these connections (whatever they were) to help me to succeed in the future, to make me great. Forgetting that I will never be great.

CLICHE ENDING. But I emailed Jan and told her that I was skipping. A small trade off for Christ and His church methinks. I remembered times where people I knew had skipped things that would've enhanced their future to lead. And I suppose I thought I should do the same. What better way to apply what I'd read :D It brought me back to when I was talking to someone at church over lunch. He (he's a physio) was saying how some of the guys in his course spent their time working as receptionists at physios and building up beautiful CVs and he spent his serving God. He knew that this would set him back career-wise but he did it anyways. He told me: "It's only a small trade-off in the grand scheme of things" (trade-off is another way of saying opportunity cost). This stuck with me, especially today, because I guess I realised that one morning talking to successful people is only a small trade-off for what I'm doing instead :)

It might be a high opportunity cost but hey, it's a great opportunity ^_^

"The best I have to offer are these filthy rags and yet you love me"

This is from the song "To the Cross I Cling" by The Village Church.

It's an amazing song. Go listen to it.

Thirty Seconds

At careers day today I went to a session from CA (Chartered Accountants) and basically the guy said that for cadetships, HR looks at your CV for 30 seconds. THIRTY SECONDS. Fair enough they have 1000 to get through but dang it's a brutal world.

Basically, people who have a job to get done look at your two page summary of yourself to decide whether you're good enough. Isn't that scary? You put your life in two pages only for it to be placed there and judged by some corporate workers. It's scary.

I guess this is what we mean by 'performance-based world'.

But I need to remember that these people and their opinion and judgement is not important at all. Sure it's important to my career and my future, but not at all important to how I stand before God and how much I'm worth to Him. Thing is, my CV and application is the person that I project myself to be to those who I want to hire me. They're going to look at 'the best of me' and say yay or nay.Sure I can tell them about how great I am but of course I'm not going to write a 1000 word answer about my weaknesses or what a crappy person I am. It just doesn't work like that.

 When I stand before God I can't hide anything. He knows I'm really gross on the inside. I'm filled with sin and He can't stand that. BUT He loved me enough to send His son to die for me. When I stand before Him, He'll see perfection, but it's not my perfection it's Jesus'.

I'm currently in the process of applying for a whole lot of cadetships. I pray that everything I say in these applications will be true and will ultimately glorify God. I pray that if I am successful in getting an interview, I won't be ashamed to tell the interviewers about where my passions lie - Christ and His church.

I can't think of a deep title for this deep and intensely personal topic

"What do idolaters do with their idols which believers are meant to do with God? The answer is they love, trust and obey them. We love worldly things instead of God. Now, we might not say we love our studies. But ‘love’ in the Bible is what we desire, where our affections and ambitions are directed, and the things we fear we might lose."

- Michael Leong (http://www.thelas.info/2013/05/education-as-idolatry/)

So our assessment block just ended....I thought I should reflect on the things I've learnt about studying so far. I'll write another one at the end of HSC.

Something people sort of assume about me but don't really know about me is my struggle with idolatry, particularly of 'studying'. The other week, I didn't go to church because of a friend's baptism and the automatic assumption was that I skipped church to study. Though I don't skip, studying is an area where I struggle especially in terms of idolatry. 

When thinking about this I pinpointed the problem from just the general 'studying'. I realised it wasn't money or comfort but rather, success measured in respect. It's not that I want to earn $200,000 a year (though that would be great I have to admit), it's more that I want people to look up to me.

So as I established this problem, I've naturally collected thoughts about it since I first recognised it. I remember in year 10, I realised that I looked to studying to satisfy me. I'm not entirely sure when the problem was at its worst (maybe it's now I don't know)

Thoughts are everywhere and are probably going to go in some weird order that's neither chronological or in order of 'importance'

1. Identifying idolatry

I think the reason this challenged me quite a bit is because we often fail to recognise what idolatry is. Sometimes I'm reading my Bible like, 'Dang these people are pretty stupid God is right there and they're worshipping these like gold things'. I think part of the reason they did this was because they saw the nations around them with these idols and were like 'ooh that looks so much cooler than our God'. That's kind of what we do now isn't it? The world around us often tries to find worth and fulfilment in money, success, all that stuff. I may be one of the rare people who enjoys studying. I honestly really enjoy working hard at something and then having a result at the end. I think I'm incredibly blessed that the effort I put it in is proportionate to the marks I get. Anyway. The quote was talking about how in this context, 'love' is what we desire, where our affections and ambitions lie. I cannot honestly say that my all my desire, affection and ambition lies with God. Especially ambitions. A lot of the time, my ambition lies in what I can achieve. What I can present to people in exchange for their approval and respect. I guess this challenged me because it's so easy to say that God is the centre of our love and affection but really, most of the time He isn't.

2. Christ's success for us

I wrote about this in detail in previous posts. But essentially I've learnt quite a bit about how trust should be transferred from my own success to Christ's success. From a book I read it said that after this 'we experience the abundant freedoms that come from not having to measure up'. I think this ultimately boils down to humility. Someone (Yeomans I think) mentioned that we live in a performance-based world. This is seen in everyday life; people work for a particular number of hours and are paid accordingly, people earn this money and are rewarded by social and economic mobility as well as status. More relevant to me/us, we do things that we think people approve of and based on how highly we perform, we get a reward, whatever it may be. In a world like this, its difficult to stand there and admit that it's not your success that really matters. For me, I want approval and reward when I've worked hard. But ultimately, it's not my success that saves me, it's His success that saves me. Which is what we covered in ISCF this week sort of I suppose (Colossians 2:16-20)

3. Freedom

'The world says that the bigger we become, the freer we will be. The gospel says that the smaller we become, the freer we will be. We begin to decrease; Christ begins to increase'

I really like the analogy of slaves and masters. I find it very emotional and effective to me and to others, especially when discussing freedom. I suppose studying and work is a representation of sin. Sometimes, I feel although academic success promises me everything I could ever want but in the end doesn't deliver at all. I guess I could see it although I'm bound to these things. Crappy master. But Jesus. He frees me. The way I see it, the quote is correct, the world tells us that freedom comes from being able to access everything through money and status, the bigger the freer. The gospel calls on us shrink ourselves and allow Jesus to be the big one. When we begin to rely on Christ instead of our own strength to free ourselves. Also ties into RICE last year. The music video for "I Could be the One". I remember Steve's commentary that: Sure that woman is free from work and monotony, but after this, she becomes a slave to parties, drugs and everything impulsive.

4. Not a matter of priorities

I find that sometimes we put God as a priority. Like. God, studying, friends, family (as an example). I don't remember who told me this but it impacted me a lot. God is not a priority on a list, it assumes that once we deal with God, we can move on to the next item on the list. That's just not how it goes. It's more like God is in the centre of our lives and everything else relies on Him. You can't have anything stable without a centre (just like Yeats says :P). God shouldn't have to compete with other things in our lives or even have to be the first. God is in the centre, without Him everything falls apart.

I found this quote but I forgot where it's from:

"When the King is in the middle, everything else falls into place"

5. Materialism

A constant reminder in studying. What happens in the end. We die. It's pointless.

6. Everything comes from God

With the previous point in mind, it's important that we don't forget to put an effort in. For me, the problem comes in when I get cocky and think I'm fantastic. I forget that everything I ever accomplished I was only able to do because God gave me the ability to do it. (Refer to a post somewhere below for elaboration). Even my parents admitted it. Sometimes they're really proud like 'dang I am a good parent' but a while ago they pretty much were like: 'Don't ever think that the things you can achieve came from you or even that they came from how well we set you up. Everything you accomplish comes from God's.

Also sometimes I think I fail to remember that God created everything. Everything I learn about, even the concepts in social sciences that we think are man made. They were created by God. As humans, we think we're so intelligent but we forget about the one that created us.

This is getting increasingly off topic so maybe another time I can collect my thoughts better.

Reflecting on the past two years, the importance that I place on studying has not changed that much. I consider it very important to me. The thing that has changed though, is how I approach it. I'm not sure when, but at one point I began to understand that although studying was important to me, it was God that was most important to me. For me, after I began praying to rely on Him and praying that He would take all the glory. I began relying on Him instead of myself for satisfaction. I don't know if my marks god better or worse. I only remember that they didn't matter as much anymore. Don't get me wrong, they mattered, they still matter now. But marks were kicked out as the determiner of my moods and level of satisfaction. A burden was taken off me because exams and assessments weren't about me anymore. They were about Him and His glory.

"Therefore once more I will astound these people with wonder upon wonder; the wisdom of the wise will perish, the intelligence of the intelligent will vanish" - Isaiah 29:14

Mere Clay Pots

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay 

to show that this all-surpassing power is from God 

and not from us. 

We are hard-pressed on every side,

but not crushed;

perplexed,

but not in despair;

persecuted, 

but not abandoned;

struck down,

but not destroyed.

- 2 Corinthians 4:7-9

So in church yesterday, a visiting pastor gave a sermon on 2 Corinthians 7:1-12. The main thing I got out of this talk was the 'clay pots' analogy. In Paul's day, clay pots were very functional and used on a daily basis. The reason that treasure is kept in a clay pot is to differentiate the treasure from the container. For example, if you have a crown of jewels, you wouldn't be marvelling at the glass case around it; you marvel at the crown. In the same way, we shouldn't be wanting to draw attention to ourselves but rather, draw attention to the treasure inside of us. 

In everything we do, we should want to draw attention to the treasure within us, the treasure of the gospel. 

"God's glory can only shine through if there are cracks in His clay pots" 

So I guess it was good reminder that serving is never about us but about revealing the treasure of Christ to others

The response song was really effective too. Love it.

All that we’ve accomplished You have done for us 
And any fruit we harvest is a gift from Your hand 
We are only jars of clay that hold a priceless treasure 
And we exist to bring You pleasure, O God 

- Receive the Glory, Sovereign Grace Music

Desires of the Heart

"Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws, 

we wait for you;

your name and renown

are the desire of our heart
My soul yearns for you in the night; 
in the morning my spirit longs for you."

- Isaiah 26:8-9

Is the name and renown of God the desire of my heart? Does my soul yearn for Him in the night and long for Him in the morning? Probably not. I definitely want it to be the desire of my heart but it really isn't. Looking forward to the day when it will be :)

A great reminder in verse 12: "LORD, you establish peace for us; all that we have accomplished you have done for us."

Also the Bible is God's word. God must be artistic because the Bible has such beautiful literature ;_;

We the Redeemed

We the redeemed, 

Hear us singing

You are Holy

You are Holy

So I just had a really amazing time with God. I was playing this song in the background and I realised I really like it maybe because it's proclaiming that we are the redeemed. Proclaiming that we were lost and needed a Redeemer, sent by God.

I've been reading Isaiah recently and the Spirit has really been rebuking my pride. Isaiah talks about Moab who (I think) represents the sin of pride and I realise that my pride has been growing and growing. I think so highly of myself but forget about how big God is and how everything I have everything I'm proud of only comes from Him. My self esteem is crushed easier because my pride is so easily bruised because it's so big. I realised that a while ago I stopped praying for humility and this is when it all really started. It was a strong rebuke and reminder that I can't deal with pride on my own. I need Him and without Him I'm a huge mess that constantly falls apart. If I try to deal with my pride alone I just end up in a heap of tears because I just can't deal with the bruising. I need Him. 

I also realised that I spend so much of my time trying to impress people and sometimes even God. I study hard and get these good marks and I show them to my parents, my friends, my teachers and sometimes even give it to God and to myself and sort of open the platter and ask: Am I good enough yet? Are you proud of me? If any of them answer no, I'll work harder. But I know that even if I am good enough for others, it won't be enough for me. Only He can satisfy me. I always forget that God saves me not because of what I do and what I can accomplish but because of what Jesus accomplished on the cross for me. No matter how many good marks I get or how many hours a week I serve, I will never good enough on my own. I'm not sure I can say that God is always proud of me, but I can say that I am never good enough for Him, but because of Jesus, I can stand in before the throne and He will say: "You know what? You're not good enough, but I love you and I saved you anyway." 

That is what strikes me about the song: it's proclaiming humbly that we need Him that we need salvation, we can never get to God ourselves and only through His grace can we see God. This verse struck me as pretty amazing. We trusted, He saved. We trusted so let us REJOICE and be glad. 

"Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the LORD, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation" - Isaiah 25:9

New ways of thinking and God's way of thinking

So in Extension English we talk about how there is 'an emergence in new ways of thinking'. I think one of these is the fact that we can talk to many people at a time without actually ignoring anyone. For example, I can be texting two people, facebooking one and snapchatting another and they would all feel like they had my undivided attention...sort of. Well I thought of this in context with God. We are so caught up in a million conversations that sometimes we forget that God deserves our undivided attention and, unlike other people, he can see when we're not giving Him that. I normally don't do quiet times with a phone around but I've been tempted to do so many times, including today. Hopefully I'll be able to give Him my utmost attention and focus in all things I do not just when I decide to. While new ways of thinking have emerged for us, God's way of thinking doesn't change and never will. He is our God and we are His people and that's how it's always going to be. I'm still learning the concept of "studying with God" I'm still not really sure how it works to be honest. I'm so focused on the task that I don't even consider Him my study buddy. Praying that I can learn though :)

More than 16 grand

22/05/2014 - After CA Cadetship Information Night

On the train after a CA info night I'm feeling quite discouraged. Denzel and Leslie were there and I found out they got to the second round of the UBS cadetship applications and my self-esteem took a huge plunge. I find that in the process of applying and trying out for things. I never really want them at first but when I don't get them it's just a huge disappointment. Same would be for this situation. I never really wanted UBS, I applied just to practise and in case I got it. But somehow I got more and more connected to the idea of getting that cadetship and am almost losing it for not getting it. I realised around an hour later that I never really considered God's plan for me. Obviously not UBS. I suppose I didn't really ask before I applied either but I guess it's not His plan for me. In the process of talking to all these representatives from accounting firms I began to envision myself in their place, getting that cadetship. I notice that all the things I want in life are all for me. My glory and my name and reputation. Of course I know they should be for someone else but I don’t know how to do that. Of course I want to be doing everything for Him but I'm not and I'm struggling. I can tell and teach that idea all I want but I'm not living it out in life at the moment. 

While talking to all these people I began to feel worthless. After the UBS issue I began to doubt myself and what I was capable of. I have immense pride and it's killing me. Sometimes I think I’m better than everyone else and when they get something I don't I can't deal with it and wonder why I didn't get it. Sometimes I feel like I can do everything I want because I'm outstanding but when I'm confronted with this I can't have my self-esteem plummets. Faster than it used to. I'm failing to trust Him with my life and that concerns me. Anyways I began to feel worthless because even though my marks are decent, these applications are about ME and my personality, not the marks I can get or my work ethic. The thought of not getting these made me feel that if I didn't get it then I was worthless. Not worth the $16,000 and however much they pay their cadets or you know, all that. 

Feeling like I'm not good enough kills me sometimes. No matter who it's for. Parents, firms, school, myself. I forget all the time, that I am worthless. I deserve nothing but death. But I forget that there is someone who will always love me. I forget that I'm worth so much more than 16 grand for four years or the time of some massive corporation. I am worth the blood of Jesus. When I picture this, I think of the analogy of the slave stand I gave in ISCF today. Me, standing as a slave for sale. UBS walks past and looks at me and decides they don't want me, EY, PWC, Co-op. They all walk past and decide I'm not worth their time. But then Jesus comes, looks at me and decides that He'll take me and pay with His blood. The God of the universe thinks I'm worth His son's blood! That's amazing! I need to learn to find my worth in Him and what He has done instead of all the things I think I can do. I need to remember that everything I can do isn't even me, it is Him who allows me and gives me the ability to do anything. 

Think about it, if I get these cadetships, what will happen? I'll get a good job build up a great CV, earn lots at a young age. People will look at me and think I'm great. My parents will be proud. But what else? Nothing. All this stuff all these money churning businesses will die. They promise everything in the entire world that I could possibly want, but deliver nothing. Just like sin. Just like the HSC. They don’t care about me. They are crappy masters. But Jesus. Jesus promises everything and will deliver. Far out, how can I be in a relationship with the living God but still go searching for worth in pointless, useless things. I'm stupid. I pray that I will yearn for God's glory, that I'll get my worth from Him and Him alone, that I can remember that everything I have is from Him, that I can learn to trust in His plan.

"God chose you, not out of anything you did to earn it. But He said that you would be worth it. The world around us has very different ideas of where worth is found. We don't deny ourselves good things, we take on something better." - Clement Ngai (2014)