Desires of the Heart

"Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws, 

we wait for you;

your name and renown

are the desire of our heart
My soul yearns for you in the night; 
in the morning my spirit longs for you."

- Isaiah 26:8-9

Is the name and renown of God the desire of my heart? Does my soul yearn for Him in the night and long for Him in the morning? Probably not. I definitely want it to be the desire of my heart but it really isn't. Looking forward to the day when it will be :)

A great reminder in verse 12: "LORD, you establish peace for us; all that we have accomplished you have done for us."

Also the Bible is God's word. God must be artistic because the Bible has such beautiful literature ;_;

We the Redeemed

We the redeemed, 

Hear us singing

You are Holy

You are Holy

So I just had a really amazing time with God. I was playing this song in the background and I realised I really like it maybe because it's proclaiming that we are the redeemed. Proclaiming that we were lost and needed a Redeemer, sent by God.

I've been reading Isaiah recently and the Spirit has really been rebuking my pride. Isaiah talks about Moab who (I think) represents the sin of pride and I realise that my pride has been growing and growing. I think so highly of myself but forget about how big God is and how everything I have everything I'm proud of only comes from Him. My self esteem is crushed easier because my pride is so easily bruised because it's so big. I realised that a while ago I stopped praying for humility and this is when it all really started. It was a strong rebuke and reminder that I can't deal with pride on my own. I need Him and without Him I'm a huge mess that constantly falls apart. If I try to deal with my pride alone I just end up in a heap of tears because I just can't deal with the bruising. I need Him. 

I also realised that I spend so much of my time trying to impress people and sometimes even God. I study hard and get these good marks and I show them to my parents, my friends, my teachers and sometimes even give it to God and to myself and sort of open the platter and ask: Am I good enough yet? Are you proud of me? If any of them answer no, I'll work harder. But I know that even if I am good enough for others, it won't be enough for me. Only He can satisfy me. I always forget that God saves me not because of what I do and what I can accomplish but because of what Jesus accomplished on the cross for me. No matter how many good marks I get or how many hours a week I serve, I will never good enough on my own. I'm not sure I can say that God is always proud of me, but I can say that I am never good enough for Him, but because of Jesus, I can stand in before the throne and He will say: "You know what? You're not good enough, but I love you and I saved you anyway." 

That is what strikes me about the song: it's proclaiming humbly that we need Him that we need salvation, we can never get to God ourselves and only through His grace can we see God. This verse struck me as pretty amazing. We trusted, He saved. We trusted so let us REJOICE and be glad. 

"Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the LORD, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation" - Isaiah 25:9

New ways of thinking and God's way of thinking

So in Extension English we talk about how there is 'an emergence in new ways of thinking'. I think one of these is the fact that we can talk to many people at a time without actually ignoring anyone. For example, I can be texting two people, facebooking one and snapchatting another and they would all feel like they had my undivided attention...sort of. Well I thought of this in context with God. We are so caught up in a million conversations that sometimes we forget that God deserves our undivided attention and, unlike other people, he can see when we're not giving Him that. I normally don't do quiet times with a phone around but I've been tempted to do so many times, including today. Hopefully I'll be able to give Him my utmost attention and focus in all things I do not just when I decide to. While new ways of thinking have emerged for us, God's way of thinking doesn't change and never will. He is our God and we are His people and that's how it's always going to be. I'm still learning the concept of "studying with God" I'm still not really sure how it works to be honest. I'm so focused on the task that I don't even consider Him my study buddy. Praying that I can learn though :)

More than 16 grand

22/05/2014 - After CA Cadetship Information Night

On the train after a CA info night I'm feeling quite discouraged. Denzel and Leslie were there and I found out they got to the second round of the UBS cadetship applications and my self-esteem took a huge plunge. I find that in the process of applying and trying out for things. I never really want them at first but when I don't get them it's just a huge disappointment. Same would be for this situation. I never really wanted UBS, I applied just to practise and in case I got it. But somehow I got more and more connected to the idea of getting that cadetship and am almost losing it for not getting it. I realised around an hour later that I never really considered God's plan for me. Obviously not UBS. I suppose I didn't really ask before I applied either but I guess it's not His plan for me. In the process of talking to all these representatives from accounting firms I began to envision myself in their place, getting that cadetship. I notice that all the things I want in life are all for me. My glory and my name and reputation. Of course I know they should be for someone else but I don’t know how to do that. Of course I want to be doing everything for Him but I'm not and I'm struggling. I can tell and teach that idea all I want but I'm not living it out in life at the moment. 

While talking to all these people I began to feel worthless. After the UBS issue I began to doubt myself and what I was capable of. I have immense pride and it's killing me. Sometimes I think I’m better than everyone else and when they get something I don't I can't deal with it and wonder why I didn't get it. Sometimes I feel like I can do everything I want because I'm outstanding but when I'm confronted with this I can't have my self-esteem plummets. Faster than it used to. I'm failing to trust Him with my life and that concerns me. Anyways I began to feel worthless because even though my marks are decent, these applications are about ME and my personality, not the marks I can get or my work ethic. The thought of not getting these made me feel that if I didn't get it then I was worthless. Not worth the $16,000 and however much they pay their cadets or you know, all that. 

Feeling like I'm not good enough kills me sometimes. No matter who it's for. Parents, firms, school, myself. I forget all the time, that I am worthless. I deserve nothing but death. But I forget that there is someone who will always love me. I forget that I'm worth so much more than 16 grand for four years or the time of some massive corporation. I am worth the blood of Jesus. When I picture this, I think of the analogy of the slave stand I gave in ISCF today. Me, standing as a slave for sale. UBS walks past and looks at me and decides they don't want me, EY, PWC, Co-op. They all walk past and decide I'm not worth their time. But then Jesus comes, looks at me and decides that He'll take me and pay with His blood. The God of the universe thinks I'm worth His son's blood! That's amazing! I need to learn to find my worth in Him and what He has done instead of all the things I think I can do. I need to remember that everything I can do isn't even me, it is Him who allows me and gives me the ability to do anything. 

Think about it, if I get these cadetships, what will happen? I'll get a good job build up a great CV, earn lots at a young age. People will look at me and think I'm great. My parents will be proud. But what else? Nothing. All this stuff all these money churning businesses will die. They promise everything in the entire world that I could possibly want, but deliver nothing. Just like sin. Just like the HSC. They don’t care about me. They are crappy masters. But Jesus. Jesus promises everything and will deliver. Far out, how can I be in a relationship with the living God but still go searching for worth in pointless, useless things. I'm stupid. I pray that I will yearn for God's glory, that I'll get my worth from Him and Him alone, that I can remember that everything I have is from Him, that I can learn to trust in His plan.

"God chose you, not out of anything you did to earn it. But He said that you would be worth it. The world around us has very different ideas of where worth is found. We don't deny ourselves good things, we take on something better." - Clement Ngai (2014)