22/05/2014 - After CA Cadetship Information Night
On the train
after a CA info night I'm feeling quite discouraged. Denzel and Leslie were
there and I found out they got to the second round of the UBS cadetship
applications and my self-esteem took a huge plunge. I find that in the process
of applying and trying out for things. I never really want them at first but
when I don't get them it's just a huge disappointment. Same would be for this
situation. I never really wanted UBS, I applied just to practise and in case I
got it. But somehow I got more and more connected to the idea of getting that
cadetship and am almost losing it for not getting it. I realised around an hour
later that I never really considered God's plan for me. Obviously not UBS. I
suppose I didn't really ask before I applied either but I guess it's not His
plan for me. In the process of talking to all these representatives from
accounting firms I began to envision myself in their place, getting that
cadetship. I notice that all the things I want in life are all for me. My glory
and my name and reputation. Of course I know they should be for someone else
but I don’t know how to do that. Of course I want to be doing everything for
Him but I'm not and I'm struggling. I can tell and teach that idea all I want
but I'm not living it out in life at the moment.
While talking to all these people I began to feel worthless. After the UBS issue I began to doubt myself and what I was capable of. I have immense pride and it's killing me. Sometimes I think I’m better than everyone else and when they get something I don't I can't deal with it and wonder why I didn't get it. Sometimes I feel like I can do everything I want because I'm outstanding but when I'm confronted with this I can't have my self-esteem plummets. Faster than it used to. I'm failing to trust Him with my life and that concerns me. Anyways I began to feel worthless because even though my marks are decent, these applications are about ME and my personality, not the marks I can get or my work ethic. The thought of not getting these made me feel that if I didn't get it then I was worthless. Not worth the $16,000 and however much they pay their cadets or you know, all that.
Feeling like I'm not good enough kills me sometimes. No matter who it's for. Parents, firms, school, myself. I forget all the time, that I am worthless. I deserve nothing but death. But I forget that there is someone who will always love me. I forget that I'm worth so much more than 16 grand for four years or the time of some massive corporation. I am worth the blood of Jesus. When I picture this, I think of the analogy of the slave stand I gave in ISCF today. Me, standing as a slave for sale. UBS walks past and looks at me and decides they don't want me, EY, PWC, Co-op. They all walk past and decide I'm not worth their time. But then Jesus comes, looks at me and decides that He'll take me and pay with His blood. The God of the universe thinks I'm worth His son's blood! That's amazing! I need to learn to find my worth in Him and what He has done instead of all the things I think I can do. I need to remember that everything I can do isn't even me, it is Him who allows me and gives me the ability to do anything.
Think about it, if I get these cadetships, what will happen? I'll get a good job build up a great CV, earn lots at a young age. People will look at me and think I'm great. My parents will be proud. But what else? Nothing. All this stuff all these money churning businesses will die. They promise everything in the entire world that I could possibly want, but deliver nothing. Just like sin. Just like the HSC. They don’t care about me. They are crappy masters. But Jesus. Jesus promises everything and will deliver. Far out, how can I be in a relationship with the living God but still go searching for worth in pointless, useless things. I'm stupid. I pray that I will yearn for God's glory, that I'll get my worth from Him and Him alone, that I can remember that everything I have is from Him, that I can learn to trust in His plan.
While talking to all these people I began to feel worthless. After the UBS issue I began to doubt myself and what I was capable of. I have immense pride and it's killing me. Sometimes I think I’m better than everyone else and when they get something I don't I can't deal with it and wonder why I didn't get it. Sometimes I feel like I can do everything I want because I'm outstanding but when I'm confronted with this I can't have my self-esteem plummets. Faster than it used to. I'm failing to trust Him with my life and that concerns me. Anyways I began to feel worthless because even though my marks are decent, these applications are about ME and my personality, not the marks I can get or my work ethic. The thought of not getting these made me feel that if I didn't get it then I was worthless. Not worth the $16,000 and however much they pay their cadets or you know, all that.
Feeling like I'm not good enough kills me sometimes. No matter who it's for. Parents, firms, school, myself. I forget all the time, that I am worthless. I deserve nothing but death. But I forget that there is someone who will always love me. I forget that I'm worth so much more than 16 grand for four years or the time of some massive corporation. I am worth the blood of Jesus. When I picture this, I think of the analogy of the slave stand I gave in ISCF today. Me, standing as a slave for sale. UBS walks past and looks at me and decides they don't want me, EY, PWC, Co-op. They all walk past and decide I'm not worth their time. But then Jesus comes, looks at me and decides that He'll take me and pay with His blood. The God of the universe thinks I'm worth His son's blood! That's amazing! I need to learn to find my worth in Him and what He has done instead of all the things I think I can do. I need to remember that everything I can do isn't even me, it is Him who allows me and gives me the ability to do anything.
Think about it, if I get these cadetships, what will happen? I'll get a good job build up a great CV, earn lots at a young age. People will look at me and think I'm great. My parents will be proud. But what else? Nothing. All this stuff all these money churning businesses will die. They promise everything in the entire world that I could possibly want, but deliver nothing. Just like sin. Just like the HSC. They don’t care about me. They are crappy masters. But Jesus. Jesus promises everything and will deliver. Far out, how can I be in a relationship with the living God but still go searching for worth in pointless, useless things. I'm stupid. I pray that I will yearn for God's glory, that I'll get my worth from Him and Him alone, that I can remember that everything I have is from Him, that I can learn to trust in His plan.
"God chose you, not out of anything you did to earn it. But He said that you would be worth it. The world around us has very different ideas of where worth is found. We don't deny ourselves good things, we take on something better." - Clement Ngai (2014)
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