lalalala 2 hours, many tears and a discussion with another friend later I came to the conclusion that:
I cannot change my heart - only God can do that
(the discussion was about choosing a lifestyle and living for God in that lifestyle vs. choosing a lifestyle motivated by God)
My conclusion/sort-of-solution to this is:
"Living at the minimum of pleasing God and trusting Him to change me to live at the maximum of solely living for Him"
[thank you to the two aforementioned friends for your support, prayers and rebuke - you know who you are :)]
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